… Say my name

This post is a heart breaking one because I’ve seen so many videos on media from different places. George Floyd a man that should still be alive…

My heart hurts, I am not African American/Black but I am a person of color we face sometimes similar but some vastly different injustices by those sworn to protect us. I’ve seen live streams and other forms of media that people have posted where people are protesting quietly, forming prayer circles and officers as well as the national guard attacking these peaceful protesters by throwing tear gas and shooting people with pellets and blanks. And after these incidents is when people started getting violent, the news is reporting the after math of authorities attacking first.

In one such video a news reporter and cameraman were attacked and they have been actively letting others know of this. Hopefully after this, news stations will report the real stories of those risking their lives asking for change.

I’ve seen videos of officers shooting at civilians who stepped outside because they heard loud noise’s which was a hoard of officers walking the streets. This is unlawful as well as attacking peaceful protesters. These type of officers are making it hard for the good cops. I don’t believe in ACAB (all cops are bastards) because there are some good ones out there. There is a psychological test that people have to pass when going into law enforcement but that’s not enough or we wouldn’t be in this situation. Racist do not belong on the force or the board. The system is messed up because they are allowing this type of behavior to continue they are covering up for the bad seeds. This is the exact mirror of what the church did for the priest that are predators they got a slap on the wrist and they get moved. If you are an officer and you see a fellow officer using excessive force speak up, because if you do nothing you are enabling and are an accomplice.

Below is the oath that officers take, now think long and hard if this is being followed.

“On my honor, I will never betray my badge, my integrity, my character or the public trust. I will always have the courage to hold myself and others accountable for our actions. I will always uphold the Constitution, my community, and the agency I serve.”

Lost

I’m so lost In what I want to pursue in life, at one point in time I believed that I wanted to be a child psychologist because I wanted to right the wrongs that I had to go through but In university I had a chance to experience what a therapist/counselor had to and I came to terms that it’s not something I wanted to do. So in accordance to this I scheduled an appointment with a career couch through the University, because I know I needed guidance. The career coach was nice and she showed me some great ways to get into a job field and that was great but I don’t know what I want to do yet so in the end I learned some great tricks but I still have no answer to my question.

…I’ve lived my life to make others happy that I don’t know what makes me happy. It feels like I am in a pitch dark room walking aimlessly around. I reached out for help in hopes to get some guidance but I did not get that. And again I am lost In hopes that MAYBE something will click.

I envy those who know what they will do. I lie awake just thinking what ifs in hope that in these thoughts that an answer will come, but that has yet to happen.

The new male on Tinder

So my mom like many Mexican moms wants grandchildren so to appease her and also to help her understand the app I decided to downloaded it. I talked to a couple people I got someone some nice others a bit sketchy claiming to be in the army and asking for clothes and electronics. Safe to say I unmatched. I was not taking the chance of being swindled by a con.

But a trend I noticed was that a lot of the guys were unwilling to be the ones to message first. Safe to say I’m very shy and most if not every correspondence I had were ones I initiated. Don’ t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a girl making the first move, I just wonder when we got to the point that guys don’t put any effort. Even in some conversations it’s like i’m talking to a dead tree.

Then we also have the guys that match say hi and don’t respond after you say hi back. People may say that I might be attracting the wrong guys. Who knows maybe I am. What I do know is that I swipe based on bio’s. I am open to both finding friendship and maybe a relationship. I make that clear to people I speak so that they don’t feel like there has to be a straight romance factor. It’s confusing as to why the roles are reversed and the girls have to do the chasing but the guys also don’t want a girl to be too forward or too clingy. Isn’t that what you want since you want the girl to make the first move?

Now making the first move and being clingy may not be the same thing but when a girl makes the first move it often has the connotation of being clingy. So what is it that guys want?

Sure women want to be equal to men but that does not mean that we woman should have to do the whole work. Starting the conversation and keeping it. I’d appreciate any thoughts or any experiences others have had.

Mini Existential Crisis

So if I have not said it before I will say it again, I am a psychology major and am currently going to a university to further my education. I just thought some context was required for this story.

So, today my professor was lecturing about Existential Therapy. Which has to do with putting importance in the clients inner self, the meaning of life and values etc. She had us do a written exercise the prompt was as follows: “If you were to die today who would do your obituary and what would they say?” Now i’m just a ball of sad noodles because I want to cry. I’m fairly close to my sister but she doesn’t know me completely. This is where I think I have messed up. I don’t have anyone who knows me that well. So i’m just there staring at my paper eyes tearing up not knowing what to write, because the closest people in my life at the moment are my roommates. They are great people and I love them, they know me so well, but to have that responsibility when they have not even known me for a whole year? So that is exactly what i write because I’m an honest person and there is no way I can lie or make a fake person up.

Family is important no matter how messed up my family can be sometimes I don’t want to keep them at arms length away. It makes me sad to think that I’ve distanced myself from them and it’s not because I’ve moved away. This has been going for some time, It’s probably a coping mechanism to keep from people who didn’t like me. I just thought that maybe if I didn’t show them myself or was as open with them it wouldn’t hurt so much if they disliked me. But I’m seeing now that I only achieved in isolating myself. So new goal be more open and close to my friends and family.

Friends

I see friends or should I say people I used to know interact with their friends, and honestly it’s beautiful and sad thing to see. Were my friendships like that? I remember at the time feeling like those were my moments. They still live on and talk and just do things together but me. I’m never invited. I feel like i’m that loyal friend in the background that you go to for advice but you never invite out because i’m to quiet, awkward, or don’t fit with the aesthetic. You always go to them when you need something because they are reliable but you eventually forget. I’m that photograph you have somewhere inside a box you always forget you have until you come upon on it. And just because I really hate disappointing people I still keep a form of connection to you. You might call so I save your phone, you might send me a message so I keep you in my friends list. This is truly feeling alone in a crowd of people because all these people I once called friends or best friends they also keep me on their friends list but they don’t talk to me. They have their reunions and weddings and i’m not invited. Is this a sign? Or am I thinking to much? I’ve spent so much time thinking that it was me. Somehow I was the problem. That i didn’t reach out enough, that i wasn’t vocal enough. But for whatever reason It’s not me.

But now, at least now in this moment I’ve made friends that make me want to go out and do crazy things. They support me and I really feel like I have a family. Even when I’m down on myself they make me realize that I am special to them. Even the most trivial thing and I am invited. And I am so happy that I found people. My people (not to be mistaken as ownership), but people I belong with and be myself with. Every little moment with them overwrites every bad thought i had of myself. I thought of my friends so this is where I wrote it. For anyone who has not found their people they are coming you just haven’t met them yet.

A new Journey

I’ve never been one to do something out of my comfort zone. That being said continuing school was always part of the plan. I took around a 2-3 year break Involuntarily after getting my first degree in psychology. I made a big decision and enrolled in a university outside of my town. This was really big as I’ve done anything this big, and even more i decided to live in the dorms so I wouldn’t be commuting.

I love my family but I felt like I didn’t have an identity. I spoke to my therapist before moving out here. Yes a therapist. Although it was a new thing as I had a couple of anxiety attacks. I had originally thought it might have been a heart attack or something. It’s funny now that I think about it I’m a psychology major and didn’t know I was having an anxiety attack.

So two months in and I feel like I have made a good decision. I’ve made some great friends.I still don’t know who I am yet but I feel like I find a little piece of me everyday.

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